Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Heavy Metal Product Promotion

Alright so I mentioned Zakk Wylde's Black Label Society was promoting a new line of hot sauces so I decided to do a little segment of the blog called...

Heavy Metal Product Promotion.

We'll start things off with the BLS hot sauce...

Strength, Determination, Merciless, Berserker Hot sauce, Forever?

That's right. Zakk Wylde and his crew want to terrorize your tastebuds with a variety of molten hot sauces. Is this a petty attempt at making those extra dollars to support Wylde's booze habit? Or an honest product from a hot sauce lovin' American? You decide!

Flavors of the product include: Shot to Hell, Stronger Than Death, Sonic Brew and Original.

Do you folks like coffee?

Dave Mustaine of Megadeth and Charlie Benante of Anthrax think so and they are giving Starbucks a run for its money with their new lines of coffee. You can join the Dave Mustaine monthly coffee crew for $19.99 a month or the Charlie Benante crew for the same price.

Get autographed mugs for only $39.99 a piece! What steal... I guess?

Note: Due to reduced sales Benante recently changed his slogan from "Put some Anthrax in your coffee!" to "Fuck I need money because Joey left the band again and Scott Ian keeps buying bagels with the band fund!"

You can't be Kvlt without the proper threads!

Finnish chart toppers Alexi Laiho and Henkka Seppala, who are in Children of Bodom, decided to launch Wild Child Industries Clothing in order to get the kids some gear that will put them among the elite in their respective metal communities for the low, low price of $60 a hoodie.

Disclaimer: Black nail polish and eye liner not included.

Light your cancer sticks with the help of Kiss!

Gene Simmons and the rest of Kiss have made enough merchandise that they could fill up their own store. And now Kiss has revealed yet another must-have product that is coming soon.

The strummable, light-up, guitar lighter shaped like Paul Stanley's axe.

That's right you can rock out to Kiss while lighting your cigs, or if you are a non-smoker, bring this bad boy to the concert and hold it up during one of the ballads. Then rock out on mini-guitar to the solo!

What's next? Hopefully Kiss brand cigarettes!

There you have it...

This is has been Heavy Metal Product Promotion brought to you by The Metal Show, Randy and the failing record industry of America. Maybe if you weren't such a douche and stopped downloading all your music Charlie might stop charging people $19.99 a month for coffee... maybe...

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